Who Wants To Be A Millionaire? I Do!

Well, I just may be able to join the private banking at JP Morgan Chase. I have made it into the contestant pool for "Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?" It's a long story, so here is an abridged version.

Towards the end of May a substitute teacher at my schools comes up to me first period. "Mark, can I ask you a question?" A digression, if you will allow me..."Can I ask you a question?" I really hate when people ask that. You've just asked me a question and I didn't give you permission. How about we try this folks. "Hi, Mark. I have a question for you." If I don't have the time or if I don't like your ass, I'll stop you from asking. Okay, back to the story...The substitute teacher goes on for about 10 minutes without asking me the question. He tells me he is trying out for "Millionaire." He explains why he's trying out (Like I give two drops of monkey piss), how he signed up to try-out, and the rules of the game. Like I didn't fuckin' know there were "lifelines."

So here's the question, "Mark, you're young. You know about this stuff I don't. Like the rap and who is dating who and who is sleeping around with who [sic]. And the rappers." He kept mentioning how I would know about rappers. Little does he know the only rap album I've ever owned was M.C. Hammer's Can't Touch This. "So, since you know these things. And I've heard you hear in the lounge. You're pretty smart. You know things. Could I have your phone number? I'd like to use you as a 'lifeline,' if I make it on the show."

Before I could say yes, he goes on to explain again why he selected me. I agree. He thanks me myriad times that day for agreeing to be a "lifeline."

Two weeks later or so, he comes into the lounge. "Mark, I won't be needing your number. I didn't make it again." Again? How many times as he tried out? Apparently three or four and this last time, he didn't get his free t-shirt. He was very upset. But he did encourage me to audition myself.

I told my colleague Ricardo, who is the sexiest Puerto Rican in the world, the story. He goes, "Oh, we should totally tryout. Hell, let's sign up. I'll go down with you." We go online later that day and find that the New York auditions were closed. We would have to check back into the future.

Fast forward to August 15. Ricardo sends me a text that he is going to audition Monday night for millionaire. I check online and sign up myself. I am also assigned the Monday night audition. Ricardo was given the 5:00 PM session, while I was scheduled for the 5:45 PM session.

Ricardo comes out from his audition, he didn't make it. We bullshit about our summer and he tells me he'll wait for me and give me a ride home, unless I make it through. Because he'd be waiting for an hour and a half if I made it through.

So, I go in for my audition. There are thirty multiple choice questions. I'm not sure about three of them. And of those three, only one I am clueless about. At any rate you have ten minutes to answer the thirty questions. I finish in 3 minutes.

The tests are collected and put through a scantron grading machine. By the way, we are taking this test and conduct the subsequent interviews in the commissary at ABC Studios on W. 66th Street. They thank everyone for coming and tell us they would announce the names of the people who got a passing score on the test. Well, my name is called and they pronounced my last name correctly.

I go on to an interview with a production assistant. We talk about what I do for a living. We talk about how short freshmen are and make fun of kids. Nice, right? Then she notices that I mentioned I have a crush on Meredith Vieira on my application. She asks me, "Would you flirt with Meredith, if you made on the show?" My resounding response, "Oh, hell yeah." I was then told to sign this yellow sheet consenting to an on camera interview.

I now meet with another production assistant, who has me wave and say my name into the camera. We talk about why I became a teacher, if kids had a nickname for me since my last name is a mouthful, etc. She also notices that I have a crush on Meredith and asks me why. She then ask what I would do with the money. Then she questions me about the question on the application which asks, "What do you do to make others laugh?" I had written I do voices and imitate a co-worker and Bill Clinton. She asks me to do a voice. I do Bill Clinton and say, "It is a shame Hiliary didn't get the presidential nomination for the democrats. If she did, she would be away and 'Big Willie' would come out to play." The production assistant cracks up! I thinking to myself, "Self, this is going so well!" She informs me I've made it into the contestant pool and I would know in two or three weeks if I would be appearing on the show.

I walk out onto 66th Street and my man Ricardo is still waiting for me one hour and twenty minutes later. What a friend! He drives me back up to White Plains and we go out for sushi.

But now, it's a matter of waiting.

The Half of a Million Dollar Man

Last week I received an envelope from JP Morgan Chase in the mail; an envelope that looked like an invitation to a wedding or christening. I open it up and it is a small booklet about Chase Bank's new private banking program. I discard of it. What do I need private banking for?

Two days later I receive a phone call from Shamir who works at one of the Chase Bank branches in White Plains. He asks me if I received the private banking invitation. I said yes. He then asks me if I had the chance to read through it. I told him no. He then asks me if I would be interested in coming into the downtown Mamaroneck Ave. branch to learn more about the private banking program. I said yes. I mean, why the hell not? I'm off for the summer. I had nothing better to do on Tuesday.

So I go for my appointment. I approach the customer service desk, where I tell the representative that I am here to see Shamir, as I have an 11 am appointment. The representative ushers me to the back of the bank away from all the other bankers who have desks. He takes me to a back office. The doors are frosted glass. The walls are walnut wood paneled. There is a secretary at the entrance. He asks, "Mr. Spiconardi, right?" Wow! They are prepared for me. "Please follow me." He takes me to an office with frosted glass sliding doors. Two men are inside sitting at a round wood table in leather chairs. There is a laptop, a conference call speaker phone (you know the ones that look like an UFO), and tons of JP Morgan Chase literature.

They welcome me. Give me their business cards and offer me sparkling water or cappucino. I think to myself, "Hell, if this is private banking...sign my ass up!"

The two men explain how the private banking system works and its target audience. There are no transaction fees or atm fees if you draw money from a non-Chase bank, increased interest rates on your savings account, and lower mortgage rates. They then tell me that Chase realized that they were missing a specific type of customer; a customer they referred to as part of the mass affluent. But it made me wonder, why do the mass affluent need breaks on fees and mortgage interest rates? Isn't the struggling every day Joe that could use those breaks?

Well, I am not part of the mass affluent. But they must of thought I was for sure when I walked in. I was wearing a linen charcoal gray blazer, a Calvin Klein slim fit liquid cotton t-shirt, and boot cut John Varvatos jeans. I've been sporting a goatee this summer and walked in wearing my sunglasses. They must of thought I was some young, trendy, rich, hipster. Well, they were about to find out I wasn't rich.

They ask me what I do for a living and I tell them I'm a teacher. They both look at one another with a look of moderate surprise. They go on to ask what I think of the program and if I had any questions. My first question: "Is there a fee associated with this?" One of the gentleman answered, "No. You just have to keep a minimum balance." I foolishly ask, "What is the minimum balance?" He answers, "Five hundred thousand." If I had sparkling water in my mouth, I surely what have spit it out." I then asked, "Um...you have my account on the your laptop there. Surely you see I don't have half a million dollars in my account."

The banker goes on to explain, that it's just not my bank accounts with Chase, but other money accounts I may have. He tells me that private banking used to be for people with account balances of $25 million, but Chase was looking to expand its private banking services. He then asks me, "Chase to a degree knows if you have other accounts, but do you have other accounts where your money would add up close to five hundred thousand dollars?" I replied, "Uh, no. I have a 403b, but that ain't no where near half a million dollars."

We shoot the breeze some more about my job and history, as the other banker majored in history. We talked about NYU and Columbia as one of the bankers went to Columbia for grad school. Then the moment of truth, "So, do you think our private banking platform is right for you?"

Hahahaha! Are you kidding me? I tell the banker, "Um, I am going to have to say that since I don't have half a mil lying around that this isn't the right platform for me." He says, "I agree. But you have our business cards and if you ever have any questions or need anything from Chase, don't hesitate to call."

I leave there wondering why the hell did Chase think I had $500,000 in cash assets? There was some computer error I suppose when the mailing list for the program was created.

As I leave the bank and walk back to my apartment I call my father. "Hey dad...um question for you. Did you ever set up an account for me that contains half of a million dollars and not share it with me?"

Needless to say the answer was no, but I did win a whopping ten dollars in last night's $125 million dollar Mega Millions jackpot. Hey, I'm on my way to $500,000 and a private banking accoung with JP Morgan Chase.

I'm the angry young man...

So today I'm not as huge of a Billy Joel fan as I used to be. If you read the previous post, then you know I had tickets to what was supposed to be the final concert at Shea, but two days later Billy Joel added one more show, so I got screwed. I didn't realize I would get screwed like a porn actress until this morning.

Billy had special guests the night I saw him (see previous post), but last night...He pulled out all the stops. Not only did Tony Bennett make a return engagement, but Garth Brooks came out, as did Steven Tyler of Aerosmith, Roger Daltrey of The Who, and then what I knew would fuckin' happen...Paul McCartney hit the stage during the encore to belt out I Saw Her Standing There and Let It Be.

Fuck you Billy Joel. We the fans that got tickets believing we were the real "Last Play at Shea" should have been the ones who got Paul McCartney.

The Last Play at Shea...actually it was the second to last

As you may know, I am a HUGE Billy Joel fan. He's my absolute favorite. So when it was announced back in February that he would play the last concert at Shea Stadium, I was psyched to get tickets. I scored six tickets (the maximum allowed), only to find out two days later that another show was added, so the concert I would be going to really wasn't the "Last Play at Shea." At any rate I went to the concert on July 16. I have probably seen Billy Joel seven times previously, but was more excited about this concert than any other. Rumors swirled about special guests. I was hoping for a Paul McCartney cameo, but didn't get one. The special guests were Tony Bennett, John Mayer, Don Henley, and John Mellencamp. Only Bennett's appearance made any sense to me. Shea Stadium itself is a dump.

The set-up of the stage and speakers was horrendous. My seats were okay, but many people couldn't see the screens and some people complained in the upper sections they couldn't hear clearly. Billy's singing was mumbled to them. Luckily, while I couldn't see the stage well, I could hear perfectly and see a screen. The set list was basically every song with a New York reference, which was apropos, but I would have preferred different songs. Of the three songs I really wanted him to play, Miami 2017, Vienna, and Sleeping with the Television on, only Miami 2017 was performed. Here is the set list and some photos:

The Star-Spangled Banner
Miami 2017 (Seen The Lights Go Out On Broadway)
Prelude/Angry Young Man
My Life
Everybody Loves You Now
The Entertainer
Zanzibar
Allentown
The Ballad of Billy The Kid
New York State of Mind (With Tony Bennett)













Big Man On Mulberry Street
Root Beer Rag
Movin' Out (Anthony's Song)
Goodnight Saigon
Dont Ask Me Why
This Is The Time (With John Mayer)

















Keeping The Faith
The Downeaster Alexa
Stand By Me
An Innocent Man
The Boys of Summer (With Don Henley)










She's Always A Woman
Captain Jack
Lullabye (Goodnight, My Angel)
The River of Dreams
A Hard Days Night
Pink Houses (With John Mellencamp)













We Didn't Start The Fire
It's Still Rock and Roll To Me
You May Be Right
Please Please Me
Scenes From An Italian Restaurant
Only The Good Die Young
She Loves You
Take Me Out To The Ball Game
Piano Man
Souvenir

Kids say the darndest things...

As a teacher, you here some absolutely outrageous things in a classroom. Especially in a social studies classroom where there is discussion and the possibility that students will confuse people, places, and events. Sometimes it's like a bit Jay Leno does on the Tonight Show called "Jay-Walking."

Last year I had a class that said some mind-blowing shit. I after a month or so, I started to write down some of this stuff. I decided I would blog these questions, observations, and absurd statements by students. I never got around to it. This past year, I heard more ridiculous shit and continued to write it all down. I am finally going to share it with the rest of the world. I cannot remember the context in which some of the comments were made by the students, so I can't post them. Here is a Top Fifteen List of Outrageous Student Comments:

15. Back when Castro gave up his power and left his brother in charge, I brought up the topic in class. Somehow the fact that there are no flights from the U.S. to Cuba came up. I mentioned that if you want to visit Cuba, you probably should go to Toronto, then from Toronto to Cuba. A student interjected, "I thought you had to go through Korea."

14. I showed a You Tube clip from the BBC that re-enacted/simulated the atomic bomb dropping of Hiroshima. Through computer animation it shows the bomb being dropped from the point of view of "Little Boy" and the reaction going on inside the bomb. Open seeing the clip and student asked me, "Who was inside steering the bomb? Didn't they know they were going to die?"

13. During a lesson on Marco Polo and Kublai Khan, I went off on one of my rants as to why "Marco...Polo" is the second stupidest game ever after Seven Up. One of my students then made this comment: "It's not stupid! It makes perfect sense. Pools were invented by Marco Polo, so why not play a game using his name?"

12. Somehow in class the topic of giving birth came up. One student alluded to a birthing video they watch in health class. A student posed a question to me, which I can't remember, but the student started off the question by stating, "When the woman poops out the baby..."

11. Sometimes students' prejudices and even racism come out in their comments. Here is a two for one...At the start of almost every unit I do an activity called KWL. Students make a web of terms they know about a topic, what they associate with a topic, and what they would like to learn in the upcoming unit. During our unit on Africa two answers I got were Jimi Hendrix and Bob Marley. Apparently all things black come from Africa. The other example deals with China. Part of the New York State curriculum is to stress how Chinese culture impacted the development of other East Asian cultures. So during a review lesson on our unit, I asked the class, "What are some examples of cultural diffusion that took place between the Chinese and Japanese? What cultural aspects did the Japanese adapt from the Chinese?" I called on a student who said, "Their eyes."

10. We were discussing weather and the amount of rain some region gets (I can't remember) and a students makes this observation/question: "Isn't it sunny all the time, even when the sun is out?"

9. Students were comparing the way of life during the Middle Ages and Renaissance. They analyzed the differences in architecture. During that comparison I showed a picture of Notre Dame in Paris. A student comments, "Oh, that's where Quasimodo lives." I said, "Yes, in Victor Hugo's book he did ring the bells and fell in love with Esmeralda. But you probably saw the Disney film and haven't read the book." The student responded, "Yeah, I saw the Disney cartoon. But he's still rings the bell there. I want to go there someday." I then informed the student, much to her shock, "You know, Quasimodo isn't real. He's a literary character." The disappointed student asked, "Wait...he isn't real?"

8. A student was sharpening his pencil in the electric sharpener. He complained, "This thing doesn't work." I innocently said, "You're not putting it in hard enough." To which another student sharply responded, "That's what she said!"

7. Going back to the atomic bomb...I had shown the students an amazing documentary by HBO called "White Light/Black Rain: The Destruction." It contained a series of interviews with survivors. They shared their stories, showed their scars, etc. After viewing the documentary, we had a discussion, during which a student asked me, "Did people survive the bombing?"

6. A student wanted to go to the bathroom, but asked permission this way: "May I use the utilities?"

5. I asked some review question to the class. I called on a student and the first student answered incorrectly. So I called on another student who happened to answer correctly. The first student then comments, "That's what I said! But not today."

4. Out of nowhere a student raises her hand in the middle of my lecture. "Is Canada a state?" I raise my eyebrow like the Rock and retort, "Uh, no." The student persists, "But on the I/O commercial it says one flat rate to Canada and Puerto Rico."

3. Upon presenting a PowerPoint on the modern Middle East to students that contained a picture of Clinton with Arafat and Rabin, a student asks for reassurance, "He was assassinated, right?" Now I assume he's referring to Rabin and was impressed. I tell the student, "Yes, that's right Rabin was assassinated." He interrupts, "No, not him. Clinton. He was assassinated."

2. During a lesson on the medieval Europe, I was discussing the role of the Church and monks. A student had a question about monks. "Monks are psychic, aren't they?" I responded with look on my face that that indicated, "what the fuck?" I said, "No, they aren't psychic. Why?" The student in all earnest asked, "So, they aren't like that detective on TV?"

1. During a lesson on the Han Dynasty and their achievements and legacy, I showed how paper is made and credited the Han Dynasty with inventing the modern way of making paper. A student attempted to correct me. "Wait, didn't trees invent paper?"

City boy goes camping...

So, I have decided that the summer of 2008 is going to be summer of me. Let selfishness and megalomania reign supreme. In being the summer of me, I determined to have fun and try some new things. The first new experience was camping with colleagues I am friends with. Now those of you that know me, know I am not the outdoors type. I like cities, buildings, and private bathrooms. I hate birds, trees, and communal bathrooms. But why not hang out with friends and lose my camping virginity? So we camped up in Margaret Lewis Norrie State Park in Staatsburg, NY. My views on camping...Well, the first day and night were actually fun. I enjoyed viewing the sunset on the Hudson River, roasting marshmallows, and hanging out and grilling with friends. However, by the second day...I was itching to return to civilization. I can only take so much of Mother Nature and her battalion of trees, bugs, and hiking paths. Hell, I had to pee in the bushes since the communal bathroom was far away. It was almost as bad the toilets in Argentina that couldn't handle toilet paper. You'll have to ask me to explain that one...

Next Blog: Stupid things my students said over the past school year.

Use of Games in the Classroom

Games are a legitmate and practical way of educating students. Especially those that simulate events or allow students to experience history through various points of view. By interacting with history and having history come alive through these games, many students will hopefully be able to remember important information and make historical connections. For some students history is too abstract. It's a bunch of dates and wars betweend dead people, who have no impact on their life. Games will put students in the postion of Neville Chamberlain in the 1930s during Nazi agression, or in the position of G. Julius Caesar in the civil war with Pompey. Learning is not only experiential in this sense, but fun.

I do not believe the learning that occurs during game play is testable. However, it is assessable. Students should take their game playing experience and produce a finished project. Whether it be a journal entry, and evaluation or analysis or the moves they made in a game, or creating their own civilization after playing Civilization IV. I don't think it makes sense to have students learn WWII through the game Making History and then giving them a test on the cause, events of, and legacy of WWII.

Games can oversimplify situations. Students can miss out on important details and miss substantial points. The story Jim mentioned about the student who stated that people riot when taxes are raised is the perfect of example of this. Games should be used as enrichment and as a way of reinforcing concenpts and ideas from other lessons.

I would not be worried about promoting agressive behavior or passive learning. A teacher has to chose the right games. I would never use America's Army or any game like that. A game like that would clearly make some boys a little agressive. And cames that make students think and challenge them won't produce passive learners. I remember playing Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego in 4th grade. We had to research the clues, write down information, and keep track of it. There was nothing passive about it and nothing that promoted agressive behavior. And I believe I learned a lot about the culture of other countries by playing that game. Games like Carmen Sandiego have a place in the classroom and should be utilized.