The Half of a Million Dollar Man

Last week I received an envelope from JP Morgan Chase in the mail; an envelope that looked like an invitation to a wedding or christening. I open it up and it is a small booklet about Chase Bank's new private banking program. I discard of it. What do I need private banking for?

Two days later I receive a phone call from Shamir who works at one of the Chase Bank branches in White Plains. He asks me if I received the private banking invitation. I said yes. He then asks me if I had the chance to read through it. I told him no. He then asks me if I would be interested in coming into the downtown Mamaroneck Ave. branch to learn more about the private banking program. I said yes. I mean, why the hell not? I'm off for the summer. I had nothing better to do on Tuesday.

So I go for my appointment. I approach the customer service desk, where I tell the representative that I am here to see Shamir, as I have an 11 am appointment. The representative ushers me to the back of the bank away from all the other bankers who have desks. He takes me to a back office. The doors are frosted glass. The walls are walnut wood paneled. There is a secretary at the entrance. He asks, "Mr. Spiconardi, right?" Wow! They are prepared for me. "Please follow me." He takes me to an office with frosted glass sliding doors. Two men are inside sitting at a round wood table in leather chairs. There is a laptop, a conference call speaker phone (you know the ones that look like an UFO), and tons of JP Morgan Chase literature.

They welcome me. Give me their business cards and offer me sparkling water or cappucino. I think to myself, "Hell, if this is private banking...sign my ass up!"

The two men explain how the private banking system works and its target audience. There are no transaction fees or atm fees if you draw money from a non-Chase bank, increased interest rates on your savings account, and lower mortgage rates. They then tell me that Chase realized that they were missing a specific type of customer; a customer they referred to as part of the mass affluent. But it made me wonder, why do the mass affluent need breaks on fees and mortgage interest rates? Isn't the struggling every day Joe that could use those breaks?

Well, I am not part of the mass affluent. But they must of thought I was for sure when I walked in. I was wearing a linen charcoal gray blazer, a Calvin Klein slim fit liquid cotton t-shirt, and boot cut John Varvatos jeans. I've been sporting a goatee this summer and walked in wearing my sunglasses. They must of thought I was some young, trendy, rich, hipster. Well, they were about to find out I wasn't rich.

They ask me what I do for a living and I tell them I'm a teacher. They both look at one another with a look of moderate surprise. They go on to ask what I think of the program and if I had any questions. My first question: "Is there a fee associated with this?" One of the gentleman answered, "No. You just have to keep a minimum balance." I foolishly ask, "What is the minimum balance?" He answers, "Five hundred thousand." If I had sparkling water in my mouth, I surely what have spit it out." I then asked, "Um...you have my account on the your laptop there. Surely you see I don't have half a million dollars in my account."

The banker goes on to explain, that it's just not my bank accounts with Chase, but other money accounts I may have. He tells me that private banking used to be for people with account balances of $25 million, but Chase was looking to expand its private banking services. He then asks me, "Chase to a degree knows if you have other accounts, but do you have other accounts where your money would add up close to five hundred thousand dollars?" I replied, "Uh, no. I have a 403b, but that ain't no where near half a million dollars."

We shoot the breeze some more about my job and history, as the other banker majored in history. We talked about NYU and Columbia as one of the bankers went to Columbia for grad school. Then the moment of truth, "So, do you think our private banking platform is right for you?"

Hahahaha! Are you kidding me? I tell the banker, "Um, I am going to have to say that since I don't have half a mil lying around that this isn't the right platform for me." He says, "I agree. But you have our business cards and if you ever have any questions or need anything from Chase, don't hesitate to call."

I leave there wondering why the hell did Chase think I had $500,000 in cash assets? There was some computer error I suppose when the mailing list for the program was created.

As I leave the bank and walk back to my apartment I call my father. "Hey dad...um question for you. Did you ever set up an account for me that contains half of a million dollars and not share it with me?"

Needless to say the answer was no, but I did win a whopping ten dollars in last night's $125 million dollar Mega Millions jackpot. Hey, I'm on my way to $500,000 and a private banking accoung with JP Morgan Chase.