Who Wants To Be A Millionaire? I Do!

Well, I just may be able to join the private banking at JP Morgan Chase. I have made it into the contestant pool for "Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?" It's a long story, so here is an abridged version.

Towards the end of May a substitute teacher at my schools comes up to me first period. "Mark, can I ask you a question?" A digression, if you will allow me..."Can I ask you a question?" I really hate when people ask that. You've just asked me a question and I didn't give you permission. How about we try this folks. "Hi, Mark. I have a question for you." If I don't have the time or if I don't like your ass, I'll stop you from asking. Okay, back to the story...The substitute teacher goes on for about 10 minutes without asking me the question. He tells me he is trying out for "Millionaire." He explains why he's trying out (Like I give two drops of monkey piss), how he signed up to try-out, and the rules of the game. Like I didn't fuckin' know there were "lifelines."

So here's the question, "Mark, you're young. You know about this stuff I don't. Like the rap and who is dating who and who is sleeping around with who [sic]. And the rappers." He kept mentioning how I would know about rappers. Little does he know the only rap album I've ever owned was M.C. Hammer's Can't Touch This. "So, since you know these things. And I've heard you hear in the lounge. You're pretty smart. You know things. Could I have your phone number? I'd like to use you as a 'lifeline,' if I make it on the show."

Before I could say yes, he goes on to explain again why he selected me. I agree. He thanks me myriad times that day for agreeing to be a "lifeline."

Two weeks later or so, he comes into the lounge. "Mark, I won't be needing your number. I didn't make it again." Again? How many times as he tried out? Apparently three or four and this last time, he didn't get his free t-shirt. He was very upset. But he did encourage me to audition myself.

I told my colleague Ricardo, who is the sexiest Puerto Rican in the world, the story. He goes, "Oh, we should totally tryout. Hell, let's sign up. I'll go down with you." We go online later that day and find that the New York auditions were closed. We would have to check back into the future.

Fast forward to August 15. Ricardo sends me a text that he is going to audition Monday night for millionaire. I check online and sign up myself. I am also assigned the Monday night audition. Ricardo was given the 5:00 PM session, while I was scheduled for the 5:45 PM session.

Ricardo comes out from his audition, he didn't make it. We bullshit about our summer and he tells me he'll wait for me and give me a ride home, unless I make it through. Because he'd be waiting for an hour and a half if I made it through.

So, I go in for my audition. There are thirty multiple choice questions. I'm not sure about three of them. And of those three, only one I am clueless about. At any rate you have ten minutes to answer the thirty questions. I finish in 3 minutes.

The tests are collected and put through a scantron grading machine. By the way, we are taking this test and conduct the subsequent interviews in the commissary at ABC Studios on W. 66th Street. They thank everyone for coming and tell us they would announce the names of the people who got a passing score on the test. Well, my name is called and they pronounced my last name correctly.

I go on to an interview with a production assistant. We talk about what I do for a living. We talk about how short freshmen are and make fun of kids. Nice, right? Then she notices that I mentioned I have a crush on Meredith Vieira on my application. She asks me, "Would you flirt with Meredith, if you made on the show?" My resounding response, "Oh, hell yeah." I was then told to sign this yellow sheet consenting to an on camera interview.

I now meet with another production assistant, who has me wave and say my name into the camera. We talk about why I became a teacher, if kids had a nickname for me since my last name is a mouthful, etc. She also notices that I have a crush on Meredith and asks me why. She then ask what I would do with the money. Then she questions me about the question on the application which asks, "What do you do to make others laugh?" I had written I do voices and imitate a co-worker and Bill Clinton. She asks me to do a voice. I do Bill Clinton and say, "It is a shame Hiliary didn't get the presidential nomination for the democrats. If she did, she would be away and 'Big Willie' would come out to play." The production assistant cracks up! I thinking to myself, "Self, this is going so well!" She informs me I've made it into the contestant pool and I would know in two or three weeks if I would be appearing on the show.

I walk out onto 66th Street and my man Ricardo is still waiting for me one hour and twenty minutes later. What a friend! He drives me back up to White Plains and we go out for sushi.

But now, it's a matter of waiting.